It's a new year, and from what I read on Facebook and others blogs that means it is full of great possibilities. Am I the only one who kind of dread this upcoming year? The only one who is not ready? I am the Debbie Downer of new years.
First of all I am not a person that subscribes to new year resolutions. If something needs changed, and I truly wish to change them, I do as Nike says and "just do it." I'm not putting my changes off for another day, or another year, I just figure I don't really want to change it. And when I do, I get right on it. Figure it keeps me from failing a lot too. Wow - after reading that it just really makes me sound like I am soooo Perfect, but it really just makes me someone who procrastinates and does not push themselves too much perhaps. hmmmm....
I will hit a milestone in 2010, one of those round years where your friends throw you some sort of party or your family feels the need to really celebrate the day. It's one of those birthdays where friends put signs with rhymes in your yard. Real funny stuff. Don't get me wrong; I don't mind aging. The alternative to aging really sucks, so I'll live with another year. But this milestone is leaving me floundering a bit.
The boobs are pretty much where they were, and I am happy with them. Buttocks are also okay, few lines around the peepers and all around my skin is a little softer. None of that really bothers me. What bothers me is that after this year I will no longer have a map. "Map" is not really the right word, what I mean is that I will no longer have a preview of what is to come. In 2010 I will be the age at which my mother passed away. I am entering my mothers final year. She died quite young, but since she did being that age makes me feel old. Does that make sense?
I will be the age she was when she died, and my daughter the age I was when my mom died. In the years since I have been following in moms footsteps, feeling as though I am safe in knowing that I am where she was. But after 2010,that will no longer be the case. I have no model for pushing my birds out of the nest, I do not know how droopy things will get, and so the future looks really...... blurry.
I'm not the only one who doesn't have a mom, but I'm the only one I know without one. My mom was the best, and I got more mothering and memories than most people do in a lifetime. I told her I would be okay, and I am, but there are upcoming stages that I don't have a preview for. Wish I could say that it makes the future more exciting, but that is not how I feel.
So; I hope that all those possibilities are endless for everyone. I hope this new year brings happiness, love and peace for all. But for myself I hope I can muddle through, and I hope that I can continue to feel close to my mom even though I am no longer following.