Thursday, November 17, 2016

TBT - I can't afford it all!

I wrote this a few years ago, some things have changed, some have not,......

"I can’t afford it.” “I don’t have the money.” How come those sentences are so hard to say? Sometimes I think people have a harder time with that than saying “sorry” in a heartfelt apology. We lie, we distract, we dissemble, we do just about anything not to have to say that we just cannot afford to go to the show (the fees can be outrageous), buy a new saddle or get a massage for our horses.
Well, I am coming out of the closet on this on; I cannot afford it all. I have a job with decent wages, but I have to make choices all the time. I have one used saddle that is way too small, the knee blocks are useless for me, and it is what it is for right now. My girth is an old English girth because my billets are too short for a dressage girth, which doesn’t matter because I don’t own a dressage girth. I have two bridles, only one of them is a Dressage bridle even though that is my discipline. The Dressage bridle is my show bridle, but I don’t really show because I can’t afford a truck to take me to shows. In my yard sits the used trailer that was supposed to be step one in hauling myself, but step two (the truck) is just not on the horizon. Pippi’s blanket was bought used, and has, in its second season with me, several tears in the cover. She does not get supplements, a massage (other than by me), regular chiropractic care, or aromatherapy treatments. (Okay, that was snarky)

It’s hard this balancing act that we do. And it’s really hard to see others that seemingly do have it all. “How do they do it?” we ask ourselves and quietly with our best and most trusted friend. “She must get her Visa bill delivered in a box!” You know you have said worse things!
Sure, that feeling of envy is useless and negative, but so very human.  Life isn’t fair, and no matter how many times we stamp our feet like little three year olds, it’s not about to change any time soon. I admit I get jealous, envious, and I wish so much to win the lottery (I bet buying a ticket would help).

There is a feeling, for me at least, that as equestrians we are expected to be willing to make every sacrifice available for the betterment of our horses and our sport. The horse comes first, and the pressure to get the latest tack innovation and best care can get intense. “If I had to live in a tent to keep my horse, I totally would!” Really? Well, I can’t do that! What I wouldn’t do for a saddle that fit and a Toyota Tundra! I know that I am just a few lost paychecks from having to make very hard decisions about the future of Pippi, and even scarier I am not ready for a medical emergency. Sure, we are supposed to have funds put away for that sort of thing, but realistically how many of us are financially prepared?

I had this, but never got to use it...... sold!

Pippi is my dessert in life, but I have to have real food and so does my family. And even if you are ever so willing to make a lot of sacrifices, as I am, how do you ask your partner and family to do the same? I realize that my love for Pippi is not shared by my husband. He sees it as my passion, and would never dream of asking me to make sacrifices for his work outs (one of his passions). Time is one thing, but serious changes in our lives so that I can keep a horse is asking a lot from the poor fella. As I stated in an earlier blog, a horse can cause divorce. Relationships can be difficult when different sets of priorities enter the picture. The pressures we put on ourselves, the shame/ jealousy/envy (of which we ourselves should take responsibility) we may feel at times, are understandable as we make choices based on our funds. Few of us are in position to not have to think “money” when we think ”horses.”  We work hard, we don’t have the time we would like to spend with our horses, the horses don’t always get everything we would like them to have, and we make the best of it. The next time you can’t go to the show, replace broken tack or put off vaccinations because you don’t have the funds for it, please know your boat is filled with equestrians doing the same. When I feel a little “jelly belly” it is not that I don’t want that other rider to have what they have, I just long for a day when I can have the same without feeling very stressed about it financially. 

I’m jealous, but I own it.