Friday, July 5, 2013

The more we know.... (not about horses)

I came across a picture of my first love a few weeks ago. Facebook sure brings the world to your front door huh?

I fell in love with this fella, lets call him "Surf," in the midst of the most dramatic period of my life. My mom had just suddenly passed away (within weeks), and I was alone in the world it seemed. Both my Brother and my absent parent had significant others, and I was all alone at the age of 18. I was, in hindsight, a sitting duck. Except I was not sitting, I was running after this fella like a little duckling.

He drove a cool car:
It was SOOO coool in 1989!

He did this for fun: 

He trained German Shepherds for the Royal Airforce, and wore a uniform a lot of the time. Come on, he was like THE COOLEST guy ever!!! He was good looking, liked to read books and poetry, and was the life of any gathering. 
He was also a few years older than me, and since I considered myself mature beyond my years, I felt that made sense. In reality I was mature in some ways, but had zero (zilch, nada, none) experience in many areas in terms of relationships and the inter-personal situations. At this point I knew that if you somehow was emotionally hurt by a person in a relationship, it was by accident and an oversight that could be explained and reasoned with. The other person didn't mean it because they loved you. How did I know he loved me? He said so!! DUH!! He told me about how he had never felt so connected with another person, not even his on-again-off-again ex-girlfriend. He said we were like a split soul, about how he could share all of himself with me, about how the hurts of his other relationship had damaged him, and that he was the luckiest guy in the world to have found me - the most loving understanding girl in the world. We would go for walks at the beach, sit and watch the waves, and eat ice cream. We had "our beach" where we would meet, and discuss he latest book he had given me, and talk for hours. Or I would hang out in his apartment while he played the guitar. But mostly we would meet at the beach. Okay - not just mostly.....we met at the beach, or he came to my house (I lived alone since Mom died). I was at his apartment perhaps twice. 
It was bliss!! He was so funny. He totally "got me" and all my messed up self (I saw myself that way). It was great to have someone to feel connected to. I had never been the kind of girl guys wanted. I was too tall, too skinny, too weird, too opinionated, too flat chested, and I had no idea how to play the flirty games other girls were so good at. I could only be described as "AWKWARD!!" Weird! Different! I know people say that, but I had not really had a boyfriend at all, and all my friends had all kinds of experience. I had even started lying to my friends, and pretend that I had done "stuff." So, that this super cool guy was interested was just awesome. I was head over heels. 

It continued for a few months. He came to my house one night, and broke it off, only to come back a few hours later ( I had cried for hours by then) to say that he just "couldn't stay away." It was complicated. I was so young, and he was so messed up, and with his military schedule he just didn't have time for me, and it was just not fair to me for him to be in a relationship with me. Wasn't he thoughtful? But he just couldn't follow through with staying away from his soul mate. He loved me so! Bliss!!

I decided to go visit my absent parent who lived in another country, and brought my best friend with me. I called his house from there after we arrived (no cell phones back then), and his ex-girlfriend answered....what? I asked for him, and she said he was in the shower. What? I swear my mind just shut off, but I asked who she was, and she answered "Soandso, his girlfriend" (all smiley voice on the phone) and explained that they had been moving her stuff in all day. Say....what now? I asked her to say that I had called and if he could please call me back, and she said "of yeah, you are "Ricks" sister right?" Yeah, I am ....(I had met him through my brother who was in the same battalion). I never heard from Surf again.....

I so wish I could say that I learned a valuable lesson that day. That I learned that people will work hard, make diligent plans, and lie right to your face, and feel no remorse what so ever.That they will keep it up for ever, for as long as it works and they get what they want/need. I wish I could say that I learned that people will use you in ways that gives them what they need at the time, that they will assume that you know "whats going on" and even if you don't just shrug their shoulders and take no blame. I wish I learned that you go from Victim to Volunteer without missing a beat, and that you may not know it and see the truth of it for years to come. But I didn't learn it right then. It was plain to see, but seeing it would have forced me to take a look at my own weaknesses and I was so fragile from my mothers death I didn't have the strength. Or the maturity and wisdom to stop and make sure I learned that lesson. Instead I trudged on, and made more mistakes in the same realm. 

I know it now. I should have understood this my whole life. My dad is a cheater, and the turmoil it caused our lives should have taught me this lesson about the lengths people go to. But although I saw my father lie, sneak around and cause devastation without guilt, I just didn't get it. Because it is not something that I would ever do, I just couldn't see that others would. The more we know......

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